scientists predict no one to die in 2010!

scientists at yale university have predicted, in a paper published in the new england journal of medicine’s september edition, that no one on earth will die in 2010. citing a recent study, co-funded by the tobacco industry and mcdonald’s, which proved that cigarettes and fast food are actually great for the body, as well as statistics that show nearly 100% of all drivers and passengers are wearing seatbelts, dr. hugh parkenride stated flatly, “no one will die next year. make book on it.”

fans of george burns, the reclusive genius often rumoured to be near death, are amongst the groups reacting most favorably to the news.

stuffed guinea pig eats marshmallow!

william, a stuffed guinea pig, recently ate a marshmallow.

1+4=27

math don’ lie, gang.

former american hero stencils graffiti in public toilet

a lot of people in the little town of andersonville california are pretty disappointed this morning. it seems that just this past weekend they got a new composting toilet in their beautiful mid-town park, and today it was discovered that a vandal had defaced the thing of beauty with stenciled graffiti.

even worse, the vandal has proven to be former american hero george burns.

michael burkelflyer, a father of ten, said, “my children look up to mr. burns. they own all of his movies on blue-ray disc. well, not anymore they don’t. those will be getting thrown away as soon as I get home.”

others echoed his sentiment. a grand jury has been convened.

long rumored lost ted danson song discovered!

before ted danson was the most famous and celebrated actor and activist in the free world, he was a rock musician. in the early 80s, atlantic records teamed ted with famous producer george martin, the man who turned the knobs on most of the beatles recordings. the resulting session produced only one song before danson got the call to do the tv show cheers. the rest is history. sadly, this fantastic pop nugget has been lost to the ages since its recording…until last week, that is, when a chicago housewife purchased a dusty reel of tape at a flea market and discovered rock history in a box. live a little and listen, good people!

download “ghosts” by ted danson

stars band together to raise money for this shrub

this shrub, location undisclosed, has become the focus of an intense celebrity fund-raising campaign. stars as diverse as steven spielberg and drew caray have announced that hefty portions of the gate receipts from their new films will be donated to a fund for the defense, preservation, and leisure of the shrub. is this part of a new shrub worshipping religion? unlikely, as that’s been dismissed by some experts as “so 1997″, but the fact remains that stars don’t part with millions of dollars for their health.

this website has been set up to take donations from “regular”  people. I don’t want to seem too caught up in it all, but I just gave $14,000. some things are important.

man who’s never been winded awarded oscar

joel simmons of rockford, illinois, a 38-year-old accountant with great stamina has been awarded an oscar. this is the first academy award ever given to a person not for a film-related achievement but for the ability to run uphill without huffing and puffing.

simmons, who says he sees about five films a year at the theatre and rents another twenty to thirty, was so overjoyed at hearing the news that he ran all the way to the local wal-mart, purchased a hot water tank, and ran home with it on his back…all while never becoming winded.

film buffs are not so pleased. tony danza, an oscar winner himself for his role as travis bickle in taxi driver, had this to say: “this is bullshit. the man is not even in a feature film released this year, and he wins an oscar? that’s bullshit.”

simmons plans to display the award in his family room.

sincere list of top foods released by government

1. fish from a can
2. oranges
3. panic 12″ by the smiths
4. olives (green or black)
5. fuel tank from 1985 renault encore
6. pepsi
7. naked steak

this list is not to be confused with the list of happy animals released by the government on easter sunday 2005.

bob dylan to release greatest hits album

bob dylan, former member of the stone roses and a popular figure due to his recent insertion into new editions of the bible, has announced that he will finally release a greatest hits cd on june 24th.

the disc (pictured above), simply entitled bob dylan’s greatest hits, will be available on the popular compact disc format, as well as vinyl lp and as mp3 downloads. don’t expect a free zip file of the album here, because although I’m a friend of dylan’s and have heard it, I don’t believe in illegal downloading of music, especially illegal downloading of a personal friend’s music. don’t get me started.

okay.

anyway, the album will feature most of dylan’s biggest hit songs; we built this city, if I could turn back time, theme to the jeffersons, tractor rape chain…they’re all there and in incredible digital sound! as I mentioned, I’ve heard the collection and it made me both cry and dance around in my living room to the point where I broke four lamps. now I need new lamps.

so, on june 24th get off of your couches, leave work early, skip school, buy food at mcdonald’s so you don’t have to take the time to cook…do what you need to do, but get to wal-mart and pick up a copy.

turtles invade my bedroom!

I can’t even really type this because there are over 150 turtles in my bedroom. one’s on my keyboard and I have to keep moving him around to get to each individual key. it’s a bit of a pain.

the turtles say they aren’t leaving until I give $500 to their favorite charity. I’m pretty low on cash right now, but I’m considering it.